Highlights of the Sleeparound

The (Live! 3 hour!) Bachelor finale was last night, and even though I only watched the first two or three episodes, there's something about the last episode + After the Final Rose show that has as much addictive crack value as all the previous episodes combined.

To commemorate Sean and (ugh) Catherine's "amazing journey" (I'm pretty sure those words are trademarked by ABC), the Grantland Crew had a fantastic post recapping the night. I would have written up something myself, but pretty much everything I would have said was written much more eloquently (obviously) by one or more of their writers and I laughed so hard reading this that the only thing I wanted to do was share. Please read the full thing if you have time.

The Bachelor Sleeparound: Final Roses, Final Lessons, Final Nationally Televised Humiliations

From "A Final Lesson for a Final Rose" - Mark Lisanti

When Sean failed, repeatedly, to generate any kind of closure-bestowing reason for choosing Catherine over the "incredible" Lindsay...it wasn't because he didn't have the answer. He had it the entire time, in the form of a nagging voice in the back of his head reminding him, over and over again, in whispers and in shouts, That girl wore a wedding dress her first day. You're not going to actually marry any of these people, no matter what you tell Chris Harrison on that stage, in front of an audience craving your empty promises. That's the deal. Pick the other one. Any other one.

"Why It's Almost Impossible for This Thing to Work" - David Jacoby

If my wife watched me tell some dumb chick named Lindsay that I loved her and then turned around and, minutes later, asked for my wife's hand in marriage, she would murder me. I would not be shocked if this program someday leads to a homicide. I would also not be shocked if the first person the police questioned was AshLee. 

"Sean is a Dick" - David Cho

The worst thing Sean did was tell Lindsay that he loved her WHILE THEY WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF BREAKING UP. Just to be clear, at this point he has yet to tell any girl on the show he loves her, but now, while in the midst of breaking this girl's heart into a million pieces on national TV, he decides to slip in that he "loves" her. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THAT, SEAN? I'm no love expert, but I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT YOU DO TO A GIRL YOU LOVE. 

"The Un-Style of Sean Lowe" - Sean Fennessey

There are two Bachelors every season: the man in the dark suit with the cinched cuffs and flowering pocket square, and the guy who dresses for a trip to Señor Frog's.

 "An Elephant (and/or Producer) Never Forgets" - Caitlin Mangum

[Lindsay] was the Tom Brady of the Sean the Boring Bachelor combine, except instead of running an unimpressive 5.28-second 40-yard dash, she somehow giggled and snuggled her way into Sean’s abs heart. In the end, however, the substitute teacher who once asked, “Is that a helicopter?” while staring DIRECTLY AT A HELICOPTER was kicked off, leaving hope for Catherine and full-time teachers everywhere.

When asked, for her ABC bio, what were the top three things on her bucket list, Catherine responded, “To eat traditional pasta in Italy, to go skiing in the Alps, and to ride an elephant in Thailand.” I repeat: TO RIDE AN ELEPHANT IN THAILAND.

If that’s not destiny (or prebooked travel and producer intervention), I don’t know what is.