I wish I could write.
Don't get me wrong, I think (and I'm trying not to sound like I'm patting myself on the back here) that I do have some sort of ability. A few people have told me I'm a good writer, and I'm assuming since I've gotten several positions related to writing, that means I do have skill of some sort.
But the more I read, the more I realize I can't write. Sure, I'll have spurts of inspiration and plop down something that's pretty good. I'll be honest and say that I've read some of the things I've written and really enjoyed how I framed it or my clever use of language or the clarity with which I got my point across or something like that. Or perhaps it's an article I've written and I had some good insights or summarized the key points in a particularly effective way. But these moments are few and far between.
Look at this blog. My last post was just about two months ago. And even then, those instances where I'm writing and I really feel like I know what I'm doing are outweighed by the much more common occurrence where my fingers rattle away at the keyboard, but 500 words later I've just rambled on without a coherent point. Of course I know, these things happen, but I never feel like I can fix it.
I don't read a lot of books, but I read a lot online. And everywhere I turn, I find myself wishing I could adapt things into my own writing. I try to read CNN for news when I get the chance. I love the way their reporters succinctly break down and pass on what's happening in the world and how they can write in a neutral voice but still insert just enough of their own opinion to give it a human aspect. I read a lot of basketball blogs and ESPN stuff as well, and while both the sports world and blogosphere don't always get their due, some of these guys (and gals) can really write. They mix humor and a deep knowledge of sports, easily making fun of Hasheem Thabeet in one sentence then explaining the finer points of advanced stats in the next without missing a beat, creating an entertaining yet informative read. I like reading my friends' blogs as well, whether it's on Blogger, Tumblr, or just Facebook Notes and there are so many things I love about those. It's open and raw, it's direct, it's clear, and most of all, it's real. Unlike the other stuff I read, I know what the writer's talking about, or I can go to him or her and ask.
I'm struck by the conviction people seem to have when they write or post. It seems natural, and holds true for myself as well, that the strongest material comes when someone believes in what they're writing and/or really wants to be writing it as opposed to just BSing something for the sake of doing it.
I wish I could have that all the time rather than this listless, rambling thing I seem to have going on most of the time. It's frustrating for me to be sitting at the keyboard stuck without much direction of where I want something to go.
The search for the perfect phrasing never ends. I'm working on a piece for the State Press right now about YouTube artists and I must have taken 20-30 minutes trying to figure out what I wanted the intro to sound like, and I'm still not sure I've gotten it where I wanted it to be.
(Quick sidenote: I got to interview Christina Grimmie and Tyler Ward for the story, and that was a really great experience. They were both so nice and open, and it's also really cool to see them both as Christians taking advantage of their God-given gifts and not forgetting who they're from. The story should be out this week and I'm going to try to transcribe a Q&A on here at some point also.)
It's weird. I feel like when I write I alternate between looking for perfection and just good enough. Even on this post there have been some sentences I've deleted and reworked a few times to try to get it right and some I knew didn't sound or flow great but moved on anyway. And for some, both are true.
I'm not prolific, I'm not consistent, I'm not perfect (but sometimes I try to hard to get there anyway), and half the time I don't even know what I'm writing about. But there's something about putting the pen to paper (or words to screen as the case may be) to convey a message or idea, even if I don't know what it is exactly, that's infectious and exciting. I can't help it; even if it doesn't make sense and even if it's flawed, I have to put something down. The random Facebook statuses and 140 character Tweets are great for short quips and quick hits, but eventually I need to put down something like this.
If you've made it this far, congratulations, and thanks for sticking with me. I really do appreciate whoever reads these things even if you don't tell me (actually I might even prefer if you didn't) or even if I don't know you. It's nice when someone takes some time for what you've written.
It's for myself, that I want to feel like I have an idea of what I'm doing, but it's also for you the reader, that I want you to feel like the time you spent reading was worthwhile. That's why I wish I could write.
